When Violence Touches a Young Child’s Life

By

Shelley Butler & Deb Kratz

Authors of The Field Guide to Parenting

As much as we all want the children in our care to be safe and protected, we can’t always control the violence in our world. The Sept 11^th tragedy shows us that violence does reach young children in many ways: they see it on television, they hear adults talking about it and feel their distress, and maybe they experience the loss of someone in their lives. Caregivers can do much to help when violence in our world touches young children.

An important way to help young children cope with violence is to minimize their exposure to it. Turn off the television or radio when violence is being shown or discussed. Be aware of children in the room if you are talking about violence, and save it for another time or move out of earshot.

Tell kids that it’s ok to ask questions and encourage them to talk about their feelings if they want to, and then take your cues from kids about when and if they want to talk. Don’t force conversation on them, but instead, answer their questions as they arise, and speak with words they can understand at their level.

Know what to expect after kids have been exposed to violence—here are some of the common reactions: Toddlers may feel more insecure about leaving parents and have a harder time separating. They may go back to earlier behaviors, or generally act more insecure and afraid of being alone. They may develop sleep problems, sensitivity to loud noises, or physical symptoms such as stomachaches.

Preschoolers may imitate violence, and act more aggressively. They may act generally more irritable or anxious or sad. They too may go back to some earlier behaviors like thumb sucking and possibly develop trouble sleeping or with eating. Any child who has already suffered a loss or trauma may have stronger emotions. Conversely, children who have a stable, loving, positive relationship with parents and caregivers are more likely to cope better with violence.

Fears are likely to increase--take them seriously as fear is a typical reaction to seeing or hearing about violence. Be sure to talk honestly about violence without scaring kids. Talk to them at the level they can understand. Be sure to help kids when they are having trouble telling the difference between reality and fantasy. Though fears may be caused by a reaction to something, the fear itself may be of something based in fantasy. Offer the perspective that though violent things happen in the world, it is rare, and most kids are just fine everyday.

Reassure young children that you and the other adults in their lives are going to make sure that they are safe. Offer lots of hugs and emotional support. Encourage parents to do the same with their children.

 Keep to routines and keep talking about the future. Make plans for what you will do together tomorrow, next week, or next month. Making a child’s world as predictable as possible will help them feel safe and reduce fear of violence. 

Because understanding emotions is just beginning to develop in young kids, many have a hard time expressing themselves about the violence. Help kids talk about their feelings. Young kids may need help learning how to express themselves, and in learning the words to use: happy, sad, scared, etc. Encourage kids to draw pictures if they want, or act out their feelings.

Here are two activities to help kids learn about and name feelings:

Make A Face 
Look in a mirror and make a face that expresses a recognizable emotion: happy, sad, scared, angry, etc. Ask the children to make the same face and name the feeling.

Face Feeling Matching
Locate pictures of people expressing strong emotion. Find two pictures for each feeling you choose. Cut out pictures and glue onto index cards. Lay out the cards on the floor, pick one, and then ask the children to locate the matching feeling. Talk about the feelings as the children locate the matching feeling.

 At the same time, there are many other things you can do to help kids unwind when they feel stressed:

• Play with kids to help them communicate what they are thinking, feeling, or worrying about—puppets, human figures, paper dolls, and stuffed animals are good tools for playing out together a solution to a problem or worry.  Let the child be the leader.
• Offer physical outlets, like running, jumping, hopping, chasing bubbles, or even simply throwing beanbags in a basket.
• Offer things to do with hands: sandbox, water play, painting, drawing, or play dough. The feeling of the sand, water, dough, or the movement of the hand in drawing and painting can be soothing.
• Put on some music and suggest that kids dance. Consider turning on music that you think might fit the mood and asking kids to move to it.

 A great way to help kids cope with understanding violence is to read about it together. For preschoolers or early elementary kids struggling to understand why people engage in war, read:

• The Butter Battle Book by Dr. Seuss

• Why? a wordless book by Nikolai Popov

Then talk about what happens and why and what could be done instead to make a peaceful world.

 Continue to stress peaceful solutions to arguments, acceptance of each other, and offer alternatives to fighting, hitting, and biting. To help young kids understand more about tolerance and alternatives to violence, read:

• Hands Are Not for Hitting by Martine Agassi
• We Can Get Along: A Child’s Book of Choices by Lauren Murphy Payne
• I’m Like You, You’re Like Me: A Child’s Book About Understanding and Celebrating Each Other by Cindy Gainer

To give kids a greater understanding of feelings and how to express them, read

• Sometimes I Feel Like a Mouse: A Book About Feelings by Jeanne Modesitt
• Today I Feel Silly and Other Moods That Make My Day by Jamie Lee Curtis
• A is for Angry by Sandra Boynton

Finally, be aware of the warning signs for when a child who has been exposed to violence may need more help. If you notice that any child seems affected by violence, mention it to the parent. Consider suggesting to a parent that a child may need more help if he or she:

• Has personally witnessed or been a victim of violence.
• Has many tantrums or aggressive outbursts in a day over the course of a week or longer.
• Is cruel toward other children or animals, threatens them, or plays excessively violent themes or games.
• Seems unusually fearless, active or impulsive.
• Does not seem to be attached to you, other caregivers, or the parents in his life.

 The things you do every day with young children, like providing consistent routines, listening, talking, acknowledging feelings and fears, watching for warning signs, providing opportunities to draw and play, offering extra hugs, and reading together have a huge impact on the life of a child. By providing safe, positive caregiving, kids can get the support they need in times of trouble and you will have made a great contribution to the health and well-being of the children in your care.

This article was written for the Minnesota Licensed Family Day Care Association ©Shelley Butler & Deb Kratz 2001

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